I Can't Do This
by Corinth
Summary: Alex's thoughts about leaving New York. I'm going to continue with chapters from John, Fin, Cragen, Huang, Casey, Elliot, and Olivia. Please R and R!
1. Alexandra Cabot

I own nothing.

* * *

I wonder every day if I made the right choice.

Most people would probably say that I had no choice. I had to do it to stay alive.

I'm just not sure it was worth it.

I still have nightmares about that case. Not about being shot. I'm scared, of course…if any man ever looks at me, I wonder if it's him. But it isn't my death that haunts my dreams. I see the car exploding, the shock on Olivia and Elliot's faces. They told me it wasn't my fault, but I can't shake the guilt. The fact remains that a man is dead, at least in part because of my actions.

I dream that Olivia and Elliot, John, Fin, George, Don…all of them are killed. I wake up crying, so homesick I can barely think. And that's when I most wonder at my decision.

Fine, I chose life. But I could have chosen death, and maybe I should have.

If I had died, it would all be over. Obviously. I wouldn't be scared, I wouldn't have this…uncertainty. Only two people back home know I'm alive. I'm sure…or at least, I hope…they would tell me if someone died. But what if Liv and Elliot both died? I would have no idea for the rest of my life, unless it happened to be on the news or something.

I hate that the only communication I can ever hope to have with any of them would be in response to a tragedy. But that's what I agreed to by choosing life. Losing my best friends. Forever.

I couldn't even go to my mother's funeral. I was distracted the entire day, and I couldn't give an answer when people asked me what was wrong.

This isn't what life should be.

Maybe I'm being cynical, but I can't be happy with this life. Yes, I've met some nice people. I have people I can talk to about work and the weather. But I can never again have a friend like Olivia. We told each other everything…and I can't even begin to tell anyone everything now.

There's even a man at work who loves me. I think I love him too, but I still can't be happy because I can't ignore the truth. He loves Emily. Would he love Alex? Would he still love me if he knew that I fought to put people to death for their crimes? If he knew about the people I've failed? And if I do love him, how can I keep such a huge secret from him? If we stayed together, he would think for all of his life that he married Emily from Tulsa. And I would know he hadn't.

Difficulty is never a reason to give up on something, but it's ridiculous how many lies I've had to fabricate. I researched Tulsa until I became a veritable encyclopedia. I have come up with pastimes that I enjoyed with my family. I invented my college experiences, my previous job…so much. Too much. I don't want to forget that I'm Alexandra Cabot, but it seems like I'm supposed to.

I was meant to be an attorney. I never imagined myself as anything else. My job was my life. I had my friends, and we worked through everything together.

Here, I go away on weekends, I have time off…I have what many people would consider to be a better life. I don't have to see the worst side of humanity every day like I used to.

But at least I knew who I was then.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I just want to go home, even if it means my death. I can't take this life much longer.

I feel movement beside me and I look over.

"Are you ok, Emily?"

I smile at him, my chest and throat burning from the tears I'm holding back. "I'm fine," I lie.

He wraps his arm around my waist and sinks back onto his pillow. I stare at the moon, fighting to stay in control. As soon as I'm sure he's asleep, I let the tears fall.


	2. John Munch

A/N: Ok, I've decided to continue this. The goal is to have a chapter each from the POVs of John, Fin, Huang, Cragen, Elliot, and Olivia. Here's John. Please R and R!

* * *

Every once in a while, I find myself thinking about Alex. I'm not sure why; some cases just remind me of her for some reason. I can't even find a connection between the times that she comes to the forefront of my mind…it's not cases about something in particular or anything like that. It seems completely random, but I don't think that makes sense. There must be something….

I hear her voice telling us what we need for a warrant. I smile when I think of what her reaction to one of my comments would be, and then I realize that she's gone.

I never lost someone I worked with before her. I transferred all around and lost track of some people, but to my knowledge no one ever died. If I wanted to, I could look my old colleagues up and get lunch or something. It's weird to know that I can't do that with Alex. I will never see her again. It's hard to believe.

It was good to have Alex around. She was just a good person. She came off as really stern and cold, but all of us knew the other side of her. I loved that all of us…Elliot, Liv, Fin, Alex, me…we could have dinner together. It was fun. I liked our group. There was a good dynamic.

We still have that, I guess. It started out a little rough with Casey, but it's gotten better. I feel bad for her, really. She has pretty high standards to live up to. It must be hard to take Alex's place when she was such an amazing attorney and also our friend. And Casey came right after it happened, when we were all still so upset. I'm not surprised it was so tense at first. It could hardly have been any other way.

It's just not the same with Casey, without Alex. That seems like an obvious thing to say, but it isn't for me. I'd never realized before that people are completely irreplaceable. I fancied myself so untouchable as to take anything in stride and not ever be thrown by change. I thought I could handle anything. And then Olivia called.

I can still hear that conversation. Liv crying. Trying to explain what happened, but unable to get the words out until Elliot took the phone from her and told me himself. I've seen Elliot lose control completely, and it's not something I like seeing. But his reaction to Alex's death was worse. He was just…blank. There was nothing in his voice as he told me. No anger. It actually hurt, listening to him. I would rather have had him express rage than hear him so completely numb.

I hated having to tell Fin and Cragen, but I didn't want Olivia or Elliot to have to do it. It was sort of a protective feeling. Losing Alex made me realize how much everyone meant to me.

Her funeral was difficult. I don't think I'd ever seen Cragen cry, and I hope I don't see it again. Not because it made me uncomfortable or anything, but just because I hope nothing so horrible ever happens again. Fin didn't say a word the entire time. Olivia and Elliot sat with us, but somewhat apart. They looked stiff, confused, and sad.

I wish I had been able to say goodbye. I've tried so many times to think of the last thing I said to Alex. I don't know why it even matters to me; it was probably just some offhand comment about a case or maybe even "good night". I just want to know.

I wish I could tell her how much I admired her, and how much I appreciated her help. She bent so many rules to help us. Not to help us win cases, exactly, but to help us get through cases. She understood how much we wanted to nail certain perps, and she gave us everything she could.

I don't express myself that well, and I never did. But I hope she knew that I cared.


	3. Odafin Tutuola

A/N: Here is Fin. I will try to do a chapter from Liz's perspective, but the only problem is I only recently discovered SVU (I know, where the hell have I been?) and I haven't seen many episodes with her, so I don't have a clear picture of their relationship. I haven't even seen Loss and Ghost, the all-important Alex episodes, so I'm basing all of this on the clips I've seen. I'm freaking dying to see those two episodes though. Come on, USA Network! Please R and R!

* * *

I really miss Alex. I didn't know much about her…I mean, we never sat down and talked or anything, but I always liked her and respected her.

Working in narcotics, the group wasn't so tight. Someone was always undercover so we almost never had all of us together. We didn't grab dinner as a group like we do with SVU. And when we were together, it was hard to be yourself. It felt like anything we said to each other, anything we knew about each other, could blow our cover some day. I have allies back in narcotics, but I wouldn't say I have friends.

With SVU, it's like we're friends first. I don't think any of us could get through all this shit without our friends. It's important to know that we all got each other's backs. Alex didn't go out on assignment with us, but she did everything she could to work with what we got her and not put us in any more danger.

I guess with Alex, I just knew she was a good person. That was the hardest part about her dying. She stuck with the law, even when it was hard, but she also did everything she could to help the vics. They probably never thought about it much, but watching her win case after case sure proved it to me. She was a great attorney. Tons of cases would have turned out a whole lot worse without her on our side.

It's just not the same without her. It's not SVU.

When John told me someone killed her, I think it was the maddest I'd ever been. I couldn't believe that someone would go after _her_. Partly because she was a woman. I've been in this business a long time, and I know as much as anybody that women can hold their own. The last thing I saw Alex as was defenseless and weak. But that some guy would gun her down and drive away, leaving her to die all because she pissed off his boss…I just couldn't take that. I heard all the shit he said about letting a woman talk that way, and I knew Alex wouldn't take that. I was proud of her for answering back like she did. I never imagined it would lead to him having her killed. That bastard.

I'm really protective of all of them. John and Elliot too, but mostly Liv and Alex. We all were. I sort of feel like I failed her even though I don't know what I could have done. Elliot was right there and even he couldn't stop it. I just can't shake the guilt. It shouldn't have been Alex. I should have done…something.

I've been to funerals before. It sort of comes with the job. But hers was the first one I'd been to that wasn't for a cop. That made it worse. He didn't even go after the people who were going to bring him in. He went after the person who could bring him down…and she would have, too. It would have been all over for him, but instead she was gone. And he is free to keep on offing people until we catch up with him again, which probably won't happen. I don't think he'd be stupid enough to do anything else on our turf, not after killing our ADA.

I want to catch him. I want to drag him into interrogation, beat him up, and make him pay for what he did. I owe it to Alex. She should still be alive.

I can't think about her without getting a sinking feeling in my chest. I can still see the cover of that newspaper on Elliot's desk. Alex's picture beside the words 'slain ADA'. It's funny…we deal with murder and worse every day, but it's so much different when it happens to one of our own. I don't know why I can deal with people being tortured…it doesn't haunt me for long after, usually…but I can't think about her being shot without wondering if it hurt, what she was thinking…if she was thinking.

You never realize how much someone is part of you until they are gone and you feel this emptiness.

I wish she was still here.


	4. Don Cragen

I miss Alex more than I can explain.

The part I remember most about her dying is the shock. I've prepared myself for what I would do if any of my team got killed. I know the dangers involved in this job, and we've had some close calls. It's always hard, but at least I have a plan, and it's not completely unexpected. It comes with the territory. But Alex wasn't a cop. I never even considered her death.

I'm not one of those people who goes on about a dead person as if they were perfect. Death seems to make people forget the deceased's failings. Well, I don't actually think anyone forgets. They just delude themselves as a show of support. I won't do that.

Alex pissed me off sometimes. She was so stubborn. Once she got something into her head, she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say to the contrary. She was above me, and she didn't let me forget it.

She was so passionate about the law, but sometimes she let her emotions cloud her judgment. She made mistakes. I won't deny that, and I'm sure she wouldn't either.

Sometimes I just wanted to yell at her. Sometimes I did. Why is it that my memories of us going at each other's throats are happy ones? I can't help smiling when I think about it. Why is that?

I spent a lot of time with Alex. The first time I stood outside the interrogation room, watching through the two-way, and she wasn't next to me…I almost couldn't do it. It was so foreign. It was more than I could handle.

It's still weird for me to watch Casey in court, instead of Alex. I just can't get her out of my head. Every time it is the prosecution's turn to question, I expect to hear her voice. I half expect it to be her when someone knocks on my office door. And it never will be. Never again.

I love my team. I know they sometimes refer to me jokingly as 'Dad', and I do sort of think of them as my kids. I want them to be safe. I worry about them…their physical safety as well as their feelings. I know how hard this job is. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I'm glad they're here. They all mean so much to me.

But it was different with Alex. I always had this feeling…I can't exactly put it into words. My relationship with her was different. I was protective of her…but there was more. I thought that…if things were different, if we were closer in age…I could fall in love with her. I did a little anyway, despite the obstacles. It obviously never amounted to anything, but…she was the first person in a long time that I could picture myself with. The first since my wife died.

Even when I was so annoyed with her, even when I thought she was completely out of line…I knew her heart was in the right place. I never doubted that she meant well. She may be the best person I've ever known.

I just wish this hadn't happened. The world is a much worse place without Alexandra Cabot. I'd do anything to get her back.


	5. George Huang

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Alex. I just can't believe she's gone. I hate myself for never telling her that I love her.

In my profession, I am constantly dealing with people who have regrets- about their parents, their siblings, their friends. I see how the pain drives them to horrible actions. It is their only outlet.

I am not at all worried that I'm going to turn to a life of crime to get over Alex. I think I have slightly more self control than that. But I know it affects me. Sometimes it is hard to concentrate. I find myself thinking about Alex when I should be listening to Casey.

I don't even pretend to think that maybe Alex felt something for me too. She didn't. I know. I was nothing more than a friend. But that doesn't stop me from loving her, which is fine with me. I never expected her to reciprocate.

I liked Alex from the beginning. Not much of the squad seemed to like me at first. They are like that every time a new person enters the group, which makes sense. In such a stressful, difficult environment, they depend on each other more than I think they know. They needed something to be constant and predictable, and I rocked the boat. They got over it eventually, and I know they appreciate me now.

Alex was never cold to me. Well, I should say she was no more so to me than to anyone else. That was one reason I liked her. I certainly don't mind when people show their emotions, but I admired how professional she always was. She rarely let her emotions get in the way of handling a case properly. It sounds almost hypocritical for me to say hiding emotions is good. I'm constantly encouraging people to give in to their sadness, to express their anger. And I do believe it's harmful to hold too much in. Alex was just good at knowing when a good time to let go was.

She often held back her unhappiness until I was the only one around. I'm not sure why that was, but I'm glad that she trusted me enough. It probably had to do with my profession and the fact that she was technically everyone else's superior. It wouldn't be good for them to see their boss like that. It's the same way I felt around her. We were both kind of outsiders. We weren't technically members of SVU, but we were still deeply involved. I had no one else to turn to.

After many cases, we would have dinner together. She always seemed to know when a case would get to me, and I knew the same about her. It was always a relief when I was feeling really discouraged and she would show up at my office.

Looking back, I see all the missed opportunities. I could have told her so many times, and I wish I had. On the other hand, maybe it's good that I didn't. I wouldn't want to put her in an awkward position. I'm so torn about the whole thing.

The closest I ever came to saying something was after the Barnett case. The second I heard what had happened, I went to find Alex. She wasn't in her office, so I went to her apartment and knocked on the door. "Alex, it's George," I said when she didn't answer.

The door opened and I went in. All the lights were off, but I heard the click of a lamp and the room was suddenly bathed in dim light.

I had never seen her look so tired. I was glad I brought food for her because she looked like she hadn't eaten or rested. I went to her couch and sat. She sat beside me, not looking at me. "Here," I said softly, handing her some pasta and a fork.

"Thanks."

I watched her for a few minutes as she toyed with the food, not eating any. "You've got to eat something, Alex."

"I can't," she replied quietly.

I rubbed her back. "I know you feel bad…but you only did what you thought was right."

I saw the tears welling in her eyes, but she would not blink and let them fall. "It's my fault. Of course his mom hates me. I deserve it."

I sighed. "Alex, I listened to the tape. You weren't hard on him. You did exactly what you thought you had to do. It's so hard with people like that…the ones you can't give a right answer to. You could have no idea how he would take your comment about Barnett using him. You were trying to make him feel understood, but that's just not what he took away from it. That's not your fault."

"Olivia and Elliot could have lost their jobs…."

"You know you took every precaution to keep them out of trouble." I chuckled slightly. "They even tried to take the fall for you. They aren't mad at you."

"They're good people. Too good. I didn't want them to cover for me."

"They care about you, Alex." I looked into her eyes. "And so do I."

She smiled slightly. "Thanks, George."

I knew she didn't take my comment as regarding anything more than friendship. And I didn't explain. I just sat there with her for hours, talking to her and eventually letting her fall asleep against me.

I don't think anyone was aware of my feelings for Alex except maybe Olivia. I noticed her glances between the two of us sometimes. Women are just better than men at picking up on things like that, which I must say I am thankful for. I'm glad that John, Fin, Don, and Elliot have no idea. I know I can trust Olivia; she would never tell anyone if she did know.

Except I always wonder if she told Alex. They were best friends. Maybe it came up. I just wish I knew. Sometimes I want to ask Olivia about it. I don't expect her to tell me that Alex declared her love for me. I don't expect anything. I just want to know. And I want someone to talk to about her. Psychiatrists don't have many options of people to talk to. Most people seem to assume that we never have problems, that we never need someone to listen.

But I know I will never ask her. I don't even want to bring it up. I can deal with not knowing. I don't want to cause any more pain for Olivia.

There's a constant ache in my heart. I suppose it will eventually subside, or at least get easier to ignore. Part of me dreads the day that I don't hurt anymore. I'm not an idiot; I know she's dead. But when it stops hurting, she'll also be gone. She won't be in my head anymore, she won't be in my heart. I'd rather have the pain.


	6. Casey Novak

Sometimes I still regret taking this job. Some of the cases are just too much. I don't know if I can handle having nightmares every night for the rest of my life. I'm just so exhausted…already. I've never wanted so much to just get away. I know that I couldn't live with myself if I quit, though. Having bad dreams is too selfish a reason to give up. People's lives are at stake. It doesn't matter if I can handle it or not. Someone has to do it, and there's no one else.

Having everyone else helps. I'm so thankful that they finally accepted me into the group. I understand why it was so difficult for them at first. I'm not Alex.

It's hard, taking her place. Or trying to. I feel like I'm constantly trying to live up to her standard. I'm supposed to be as good as her, but they don't trust me to be. I know they would rather have her here than me. It hurts…but I do understand. I know I'm a good lawyer, but so was she. She was also their friend.

I have to admit, though, that I sort of resent her. Pretty messed up of me to resent a dead person, I know. I'm sure…or at least, I hope…that I imagine the bitterness in everyone's eyes when they look up to see me, and not her. But it's hard to get past. It's not my fault that she was killed. I'm sorry about the circumstances that led to me working here. I'm not here to spite anyone.

I feel like I can never be good enough. I can win every case that gets handed to me, and it won't change anything. This job is hard enough without this ghost of Alexandra Cabot hovering over me.

Maybe it isn't Alex I resent, but the team. I doubt that she would want them to treat me like they do all because of her. It's not that they are openly hostile toward me anymore…not like at the beginning. It's just the constant disappointment I feel from them. They hold her death against me because they don't know who else to be angry with. And I feel like it's an insult to her memory to hold a grudge against her replacement.

I just want them to appreciate me. I wish they would consider the position that I'm in…and see that I want to defend and help the victims, just like Alex did.

I wish I could meet her. I've heard so many stories…how Alex cut down a perp in court, how she managed to get a warrant on almost no actual evidence, how she convicted a man who had been flouting the law for twenty years. I've heard it all. And I'm impressed. I freely admit that they were lucky to have her.

I would love to talk to her. She's the only person I can think of who would understand. I want to know how she dealt with all of this. The cops have each other. They have the companionship. I am included in it, as she was, but it's still different. I don't really have anyone to turn to. Branch has good legal advice, but I can't see him actually talking to me about anything. I wouldn't approach Liz about anything personal. What did Alex do?

I also just wish I knew her. Hearing all the stories makes me feel like I missed out on knowing a good person.

Even though I never met her, I see Alex as a sort of mentor. I sometimes dislike being compared to her, but I'm nonetheless glad to have a precedent to follow. It gives me hope. I know it sounds weird to say that her career gives me hope…it did end in her death, after all. It's just that it's obvious to me how much the job meant to her. She was willing to risk her life for it, to uphold the law and justice at all costs. She could have backed off when her life was threatened, but she didn't. She was fighting for something bigger than herself.

When I want to quit, I just remember that. My predecessor died for this. It must be important. I _know_ it's important. And that's enough to keep me here. I'll never stop fighting. No matter what.


	7. Elliot Stabler

I hate lying. There are lots of reasons for that, and I don't think most people would disagree with me on any of them. Lying to someone shows that you don't trust them. Well, usually, anyway. It's also really hard to lie about anything important. It is amazing the number of little lies that you have to fabricate in order to keep up the main one. You have to constantly be careful, because if any part of the lie falls through, the entire thing comes crashing down.

Basically, lying is just wrong.

But I agreed to tell one. A huge one, and I won't be free of it for the rest of my life.

Alexandra Cabot is not dead.

The night she was shot, I didn't think there was any hope for her. She was bleeding so much…Liv's hands were covered in it. When the ambulance came and I saw the pool of blood on the street, I knew she would die. There was no way she wouldn't. I pulled Olivia to me and told her it would all be ok. That was the first lie. I guess I was sort of right, since Alex did live…but none of this is ok.

We followed to the hospital, but they wouldn't let us see her. Olivia and I sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever before a doctor came out and told us that Alex didn't make it. I couldn't believe it. It was like a nightmare.

Between the two of us, Liv and I managed to tell John, who in turn told everyone else. We went to my apartment where we sat on the couch and Olivia collapsed into my arms. I held her for hours, rocking her and kissing her head, telling her I was so sorry. Alex meant so much to her…to me, too.

I didn't sleep at all that night, and I don't think Olivia did either. We were too exhausted to sleep, which doesn't make sense. But it's the truth. My head was spinning. Everything already felt different. I couldn't believe she was gone. And I had been right there. I should have stopped it. I should have saved her.

I felt like I was in a fog after that night. I couldn't really concentrate. It was the strangest feeling.

I've thought about it a lot, and I have no idea why…but I think I sort of knew that Alex wasn't dead. I kept thinking that Alex was gone…I knew that was true. But when my thought was 'Alex is dead,' I didn't believe it. I didn't tell anyone else. Even Olivia. I decided I was being an idiot, and I didn't need to spread my foundationless hope.

The night that we saw Alex before she left…I couldn't believe my feeling had been true. I was so glad that she was alive. But then I realized what the rest of her life would be like.

She had to forget she was Alex Cabot. She had to forget that she was our ADA; she had to be someone else. She'll be living a lie until she dies. I don't think that's good enough for her. She deserves better.

I'm so thankful that I know the truth. I got to say goodbye to her. So did Olivia. It helped us both, and if it helped Alex at all, it was more than worth it.

I just wish there was another way. I wish Liv and I didn't have to lie to everyone. It was hard at Alex's funeral. I felt separate from the sadness, because mine wasn't the same as theirs. They thought she was dead. I knew she was gone. And it's not the same.

I don't doubt Alex's strength. I know she is an incredibly capable, stubborn, tough woman. But I don't think any amount of strength is enough in this case. I have no idea how she is handling all of this so far. And I don't know how long she can handle it.

I can't imagine the loneliness and desperation she must feel…if we could only talk to her again. Olivia and I are the only ones who know she is alive and have any idea of what she is going through. Alone. She can't confide in anyone. She can't fully trust anyone. That kind of life isn't worth it. It's when I think this…and I hate myself for it…that I think she might have been better off dead. At least she wouldn't be suffering.

I can deal with telling this lie for my whole life. I don't like it, but I'll do it to protect Alex. It's the least I can do for her…and, frustratingly, the most.

But I'd do anything if I could take the pain away from her. I feel so helpless. I hate it. I just want everything the way it was before. Oh, Alex….

God, I'd do anything to change this.


	8. Olivia Benson

Sometimes I hate the world. That's probably not surprising, considering what I see everyday. I see children raped by their parents, siblings, and teachers…people filled with so much hate…so much violence…I've seen victims with their faces torn off, their hands and feet removed…I've seen decapitations. I've seen it all. It's made me physically sick more times than I can count, and I've had so many more nightmares than good dreams that I don't even dread them anymore. I expect them.

And despite all of this, I still like my job and I know I won't quit as long as I have a choice. Part of the reason is that I feel like it's my duty to help to vics. I accept that. Not many people could handle this job. I'm not sure why I can, but I can, so I have to. And that's fine. I'm glad that I can help, if only a little.

The only part of work that makes it bearable is the people. Every time I'm apprehensive about going to work because a case is particularly hard, I always think, well, at least I have Elliot. At least I have John, Fin, Melinda, George, Cragen, and Alex.

But I don't. Not anymore. It would seem to me that, considering what we deal with every day, the world would cut us some slack and keep us together, and safe. But it won't. It hasn't. And that's why I hate it.

I've never known better people than the seven of them. They are all so amazing in different ways, and we need each other. It just doesn't work without all of us. They are my family, the best one I could hope for.

Alex really was like my sister. When my mom died, and I lost all ties to my biological family, everyone at SVU was there for me. I depended on them, and they didn't let me down. I'm so lucky to have found the man I love at work, along with three brothers, two sisters, and a father. We have to be close. There's no way to do this job without getting close to each other.

So why did this have to happen? It's just not fair. I know, I know, I sound like a petulant child. I don't mean to. I just don't understand why this had to happen. We all have enough difficulty in our lives without adding this too.

We were all so scared for Alex during the Zapata case. And we did our best to look out for her. But she still got shot, right in front of us.

I couldn't believe it. When I looked over and saw her lying there, I thought I was hallucinating. I crawled over to her, and the smell of iron convinced me that I wasn't. It was actually happening, and there was nothing I could do. I tried, of course, but in my heart I knew it was too late.

To this day, I have absolutely no idea how Alex survived. She lost so much blood…it's like some kind of medical miracle. Except miracles have the connotation of having good results, and this didn't.

I couldn't believe it when Alex stepped out of the car, her arm in a sling. I'm glad Elliot was standing right next to me, because I actually started to lose my balance and he supported me. I thought my heart might stop while Elliot's was beating so fast and hard against my back.

"Your funeral's tomorrow," I said at one point, my voice breaking. I couldn't think what else to say, but I knew that she would understand exactly what I was feeling…the joy at seeing her alive, the shock, the sadness, the knowledge that I would never see her again.

It's so hard to imagine what her life is like now. I try to picture it, but I can't. I can't picture her as anyone but Alex, and she shouldn't have to be anyone else.

We lost her. All of us, even though Elliot and I lost her differently than everyone else. But Alex lost everything. Her friends, her family, her home, her life.  
I miss her so much. My heart has been hurting since that night. How can she survive this? I wish I could do something about it…anything.

I feel bad for the way we all acted when Casey first came. I know we were hard on her. She didn't mesh well with us…and we all resented her. As ridiculous as it sounds, we blamed her for taking Alex's job, for Alex being gone. And I'm so sorry about it all.

I really like Casey now. We all do. I appreciate the effort she puts into cases, and I know it must be hard for her to be constantly in the shadow of a woman she's never met. I hope she knows that we are glad she's here. We just wish it could have been under any other circumstances.

Casey made us a team again. We still all have each other, and that's still what gets me through the hard days. I just miss our old team.

I hope someday Alex can come back. I don't know if that will ever happen…all I know is that there are lots of things that I can't picture without her. If the time is ever right for Elliot and me to get married, I want her there, just like I want everyone else there. That's what family is for. If she gets married, I want to be there. And I hope she's there as Alex, not someone else.

Life is too hard already without losing your best friend. No one deserves that, and she of all people doesn't deserve losing everything.


	9. Alexandra Cabot 2

A/N: Ok, here's the last chapter! I hope you like it. I'd appreciate it if you'd review the chapter or the story or whatever and tell me what you think. Thanks!

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God, I _can't_ do this again.

I can't believe this. I can't believe I have to start over…again. I'm sitting here on an airplane, off to a new city, a new life. The new me.

At least this time I don't regret my decision. I know I made the right choice, going back to testify. I'm glad I could do something to help Antonio. He deserves justice, and it was my duty and pleasure to help him get it.

I just wish it could be different. I can't stand knowing that everyone I knew in Wisconsin, everyone who knew me as Emily, is going to think I died. Just like all my friends in New York did. At least they know now, but I wish there didn't have to be a trade off. Why is there not any option that doesn't involve people thinking I'm dead? And I was falling in love…and I never got to tell him. I didn't even get to kiss him goodbye. I'll never see him again.

The woman next to me on the plane is looking at me like I'm crazy, sitting here crying. I hope she doesn't ask me what's wrong. I almost laugh, thinking of what her reaction would be if I actually explained it all. I don't think this flight is long enough to cover everything.

I was so scared when Don showed up at my house. I didn't think there could be any good reason for him to be standing on my porch. Only something huge would have put him in the position to be told the truth. I expected him to say that someone had died.

The whole time we were talking, he was staring at me like I was a ghost. I don't blame him for that. For everyone but Elliot and Olivia, I was dead. Don had been living with the idea of my death for years. Of course he couldn't believe it. But his shock showed me what I could expect when I returned to New York. It also showed me how much time had passed. I'd been away from home for so long.

It was so good to see everyone again. When I first saw Elliot and Olivia, I couldn't stop smiling. I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge how much I missed them. And we fell right back into how things used to be. We all knew it was different…completely different…but we were all together again. And that was the important part.

It was strange meeting Casey, seeing someone else do my job. I was curious about her. I wondered what she thought of the job, how she dealt with it. I regret not spending any time with her…and I didn't even thank her properly for winning the case for Antonio. And for me.

It was the most surreal experience of my life, being back. It was also the happiest I'd been in a long time. Playing backgammon with Elliot…I missed him so much. He's such a good man. Olivia is lucky to have him. I love seeing them together. It gives me hope.

Seeing Olivia was…so great. And so hard. I couldn't believe how long it had been since I'd seen her. She's the best friend I've ever had. I was so grateful to be able to talk to her again, to explain what I could. Just hearing about the cases they had worked on made me so lonely. I miss my old life so much I can hardly stand it. Seeing them all almost every day, always knowing they were there for me…I didn't appreciate it enough then. I guess that's just life.

I stare out the window at the clouds and, below them, mountains. Tears are still rolling down my face, and I'm still trying to conceal it from the woman. I hate losing control like this. This isn't me. That is, if I even know who I am anymore. I'm not sure that I do.

Leaving this time was even harder than the first time. I've never regretted telling Olivia and Elliot the truth last time. They mean too much to me, and I couldn't leave them in the dark. I just couldn't. But it was so hard, saying goodbye to them. I wanted to hold on to them and never let go, but I knew I couldn't. I had to tell them, and I'm glad I did. But it made letting go even more difficult.

I couldn't risk that this time. I know they were waiting for me. They wanted to celebrate with me. And I just left. I feel horrible for doing it, but I couldn't have done it any other way. I couldn't allow myself to have fun with them. It would just remind me again what I'm leaving, and what I can never have again. I'm almost couldn't leave last time. I know I wouldn't have been able to this time. So I just took off. I hope they understand. And I'm so sorry….

The plane is landing. As I walk into the airport, I can't stop dreading the future. The thought that I can't do this is like a mantra in my head. I'm not strong enough for this. I used to think I could face any obstacle and comport myself calmly. I'm not that naïve anymore. I can't do this. I _can't_ do this. Not again.

A man comes up to me and hands me a piece of paper, leaving without a word. I'm too surprised to react for a second, but then I look down at the paper. It's a note. I open it.

_You have our love forever, not matter what. We won't forget you._

_You _**can**_ do this._

_Love, Olivia and Elliot_

I close my eyes against the new tears that are threatening to fall. I clench the note in my fist and set off through the airport…to begin my new life. I'm still sad, still discouraged…but I'm stronger than before.


End file.
